December 27, 2006

• a rant

   

  so i came to an epiphany today and developed way more respect for guy-kind in general. the truth is, there is one thing that you are much more apt at than your fairer counterparts: playing the game.

   

  girls, for sure, appear to play the game as well. but honestly, we don't really play the game, we receive the game...

   

  because we are terrified of losing the game.

   

  scene one: enter an average guy. in a good bar there are what, 2-3 really attractive girls, and probably 10 or so more you would potentially hook up with. that's a dozen, minus the three that came with other guys, the couple your buddy's eyeing (you're a good friend), and that leaves, say, 5-6 open shots. so guy approaches, offers the courtship ritual of an alcoholic beverage, and...

  if b*tchy, the girl rejects him, and he moves on.
  if kind, the girl slowly rejects him (amidst much nervous laughter and platonic pats on the arm), and he lingers a little about what might have been, then moves on.

  Enter an average girl, on the other hand - in a good bar there are probably no guys she's attracted to right away. ok, i'll grant the rare 1 or 2, but he's either a) taken, b) gay, or c) psycho killer/asexual (otherwise, why is he not taken or gay?). in any case, discussion of the pool is a moot point, because the girl will never, EVER approach.

  add the alcohol. in one or two rare cases there might be an approach. but in most cases what happens is this:

  1. average guy approaches...someone the girl wasn't initially attracted to. 6 on a scale of 1-10 (+0.5 for initiative.)
  2. +1 on account of booze, so 7 on a scale of 1-10. starting not to look too bad...
  3. +1 if the guy shows interest. suddenly, he's an 8!

  i think usually that's when things look up for both parties. but let's say, the guy is somehow pickier than the girl had bargained for, takes a really CLOSE look at the girl's face underneath that deceptive, deceptive highlighted hair, accidentally grazes (ew) the muffin-top over the jeans, oddly-shaped arms, etc etc...and changes his mind.

   

  catastrophe!

  the guy could have been just passing time 'til the victoria's secret model stopped talking to the bartender. or, the guy was in fact initially interested, but then something turned him off (it's that muffin-top i tell you!). whatever. in any case...

  there is no such thing as "letting go" in girl language, especially if that original interest had sparked and caught. "letting go" usually means spewing some vituperative lingo in the guy's general direction, then coming home and secretly checking text messages for the next 3+ weeks wondering why the heck he hasn't called, and where something went wrong. what is at first a nasty rampage of the guy turns inevitably into a lesson in self-doubt. was she too fat, too flat, overeager, underinterested? did the skirt hide too much or bare something unpleasant? or, worst of all, was it the MUFFIN TOP? (i'm obsessed with the muffin-top right now, because i feel that i might be developing one after all that holiday eating. it's also obscenely cute imagery for an awful phenomenon.)

  the most interesting question to me is really, why can't we let go?

  is it because, in a world of nicole richies and ashlee simpsons, where beauty can be worked for and bought, to be unattractive is to fail?

  is it because all girls are secretly egocentric and can't believe that any guy would turn down their advances?

  or, is it because...scrolling up to the beginning of my rant here...of an assumption inherent in that first scenario, which is that all guys (well, single, heterosexual guys) just wouldn't mind *ss of some form, so if you're offering *ss and he doesn't take it, there must be something really, REALLY wrong with you?

   

  somewhere in our path of evolution there emerged some divine joke that guys would have to play the game, and take the burden of initiative...but to make it fair, they're pretty much indiscriminate about the quality of *ss. like my wise beautiful twin puts it, guys never mind *ss; they might prefer some better *ss, but they wouldn't really turn down *ss of any kind. it really puts the pressure on, you know? if even Average Joe turns you down...wow...you must be some pretty terrible *ss. or it's the muffin-top.

   

   

   

  

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