March 28, 2007
-
the key to happiness is
to stay afloat the infinite darkness within us
one day at a time.
***
true love, i said, is a patient kind of pain. every year i learn a bit more about the true depths of this monstrosity-every year i uncover, a bit more, the true hardship behind it.
when you love something, it feels somehow encased in your heart; a snowglobe figurine, sacred, impregnable, safely protected from the outside world by unshatterable glass. but the reality is, the object of your love does not exist in fact in your heart; it is in the world with you, weathering the strains and horrors of this windstorm we call life just as you are. And every time you witness this, i think, you die a little death.i get frustrated watching those silly Asian music videos that have become popular of late, the ones about foolish adolescents committing suicide in the name of love. i hate the incessant messageboards that claim they are "like, so deep" when in fact they are not profound at all, only immature. when you love somebody, anybody, truly and unconditionally, you don't die for them. how silly. it is hardly that easy. when you love somebody, you learn to live for them...a task that is, without dispute, infinitely harder. it is an irreversible condition. you are helplessly tethered by a living chord (like a vein), so that every time you see them in that windstorm, weathering some hardship, your heart stops, just for a second. the pain that they feel is channeled in an instant from their heart to yours, but through this living chord it is magnified. not only are you privy to their pain, you are feeling a thousand more unpleasant emotions that spring suddenly from dusty corners of your soul you did not even know existed - worry, yearning, abhorration, nausea, panic, frenzied protectiveness, and then - the choking, debilitating sensation of sheer futility. you want to wrap your entire body around them and let the slicing jetties of sand flay your own flesh, for anything would be better than this - but you can't, for they exist in the world, living life just as you are, and your arms are not broad enough to protect them. the sheer strain of it will knock the very breath from your lungs and sap the vitality of your limbs, leaving you to stare wide-eyed at the uselessness of those very arms, dangling and worthless. This is how you know you truly love.
ultimately, when you truly love - and i'm not referring to the self-serving, fleeting, and specious "love" you have for Brad Pitt or the cutie next door or even for your respected teacher or sweet friend - it is an ache unlike anything you have ever felt, an ache that is simply pressure in purely somatic terms. your heart hurts, with all the lactic-acid soreness of overexertion (it is, after all, only a glorified muscle).
it is a feeling that you begin to hate (irony aside). it is a suffocating prison from which you wish you could be free. often, selfishness will kick in for a moment and make me wish i could simply refrain from loving anything, anybody, at least not this much - but like i said, it is an irreversible condition.
***
sorry if i depressed you! a tidbit from DJ to stave off that inner darkness...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epUk3T2Kfno
Comments (1)
that was a pleasure to read actually
your writing is so passionate and beautiful =)
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