here's an ode to everyone *salute*

i became an adult the day i stood up.

i became an adult the day i beared the brunt of rejection, folded up the letter, and threw it in the trash without a tear.

i became an adult the day i heard his voice, sarcastic and snarling, and only listened quietly for the storm to pass.

i became an adult the day i realized the truth about love: that it is not all-powerful, that it is not eternal, that it may not even exist.

i became an adult the day i sat at the deserted breakfast table alone, contemplating the coming day filled with newfound horrors, and resolved to face them alone.

i became an adult the day i lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, lonely but unfraid.

i became an adult the day i walked along the street at dusk, tired and hurting, but refused to head straight home.

i became an adult the day i dragged myself out of bed, knowing punctuality was more important than thirty more minutes of sleep.

i became an adult the day i was able to stand on my own two feet, and look other people in the eyes, smile through the pain, the fatigue, the infinite weariness, and know that in my heart there will always be something, even if it is only the foolish glimmer of hope.

i became an adult the day i realized that life is difficult, but inevitable.

 

***

Went out with Anar last night for an early birthday dinner! it was great...we went to Massamino's in the North End, where we both got tortinellis...(some italian guy "highly recommended it" to us on the street...gotta love that Italian accent) This was after 3 hours of grimy bio lab (i hate yeast...i hate it i hate it i hate it), so i was ready to eat good food and dress up. (i swear, men don't understand the need to look good once in awhile...why do you think girls like prom? hmm?) hey, at least i finished my module presentation feels good...feels good. alright, now for chem exam...

hilarious episode in Cabot yesterday...sean and aaron threw a water balloon at lynne (which made it look like she had peed her pants, of course), and she got retribution by getting the cabot library circulation guys to pretend HUPD was going to arrest the boys! lol hilarious!  

been sleeping really well lately it makes me happy. no idea why i'm sleeping so well...my body must be getting used to this 5 hours of sleep a day thing. even the dark circles under my eyes have sort of subsided...sort of...and seriously, i could have gone to sleep last night at frickin 11 if i wanted to, except i stayed up and did chem practice problems...did so many i was actually enjoying doing them. how creepy oh yeah...did i tell you i bought sorbet two days ago?? the raspberry kind. shortly afterwards, ben and i went to finales and got REAL sorbet (damn...there is a difference...especially the apple sorbet...) life is good

hey, that song is really pimp! Mobb Deep: Halfway Crooks.

dear god...late again...i can't believe i overslept.

that's alright having loose TFs is good (perhaps not when one is in chem20, but that's besides the point...)

anyway, busy day today. have to finish bio module by 2 pm (yes...i love doing things at the last moment...as you can see) will miss gottlieb's math section today, sacrificing math grade temporarily for chem grade (isn't college all about tradeoffs?) and consequently, will skip breakfast and lunch in order to make deadlines. i need to stop waking up 5 minutes before class.

man, i woke up today in a skinny mood...it makes no sense, because i had 2 bagels and a donut at friggin 10 pm last night, so i ought to be a balloon today. just proves that asian bodies don't make sense.

speaking of asian bodies, check out this site: www.geocities.com/sephiroth_no_kana/korean.htm

totally disgusting! i hate  asian men!

***

They want to channel into my realm the awful vicous oil of reality, allowing it to roll mercilessly in an ever-expanding puddle the form and shape of an amoeba, black and muffling everything until there is a single pair of eyes that stares out in emptiness, disembodied in the thick dark.

                In this mind’s eye, a flashback: my dreamself and I, huddling together in that miserable hut in the middle of Essex while it is drizzling outside. Around my shoulders, a molding old blanket. I try not to think about the mold. She had come down from the window ledge like a wilted autumn leaf and now sits with her back to mine, folding up a corner of the blanket to cover herself. It seems obscene against my skin, but more so against hers; she is almost wavering in and out of existence, so tremulous is her presence. We cannot survive in this world much longer. Her hair a lackluster black, wilting like a faded bloom. She looks at me with vacant eyes. What next?

                I don’t know. It is getting a little colder, and cracks are starting to form between the rotting wood. I stare outside, feeling the greyness of the evening seep into my eyes. Hopeless.

                “Yes?”

                His eyes! They are directed at me but through me, muddy and gruesome in their plainness. The sunlight that seeps though those cracks is just like the cold. “Will you change it?”

                I am not looking at him; not for now. Within the next four minutes I will glance up with an expression perfectly composed, and shake my head no. I will leave the room with head up and heels clicking, and he will curse at me through his teeth. I will go home to my empty apartment on Church Street and sit down on the threadbare couch, looking around dimly at the olive-colored furniture and the olive-colored light that filters through the window. The emptiness of my stomach will be unequaled by the emptiness of my soul. And then I will close my eyes, become one with my dreamself, and escape.

                Of course, unlike the other realm, this one is quite finite. Eventually, I will be old and gnarled, reaching up at the faint velvet sky with veined fingers with no fat left in them. My dreamself, however, will look the same. How could I corrupt her?

what an interesting night...totemo kawaii ne.

Alright, since people actually read this, I'll actually update it

wow, it's the 17th already! 4 more days until the chem midterm. (you know my life is pretty pitiful when i start counting days by midterms...) the weather is lovely, but as usual, i must hole myself like a hermit in my room, contemplating the darker sides of life and thinking of ways to better entertain myself (aside from burying my nose in a book). 

for those out there who are either a. procrastinating like there's no tomorrow or b. just happened to come across this site from sheer luck, contemplate this: honestly, how many people reveal anything of virtue on something as open as an online diary such as this? (particularly xanga...i mean, practically everyone i know is subscribed to this in some way shape or form) come now, tell the truth...alright, enough cynicism. here's a passage from chapter three that may amuse you...enjoy

               And then we are in the plain, it is pouring. All around us are miles and miles of wheat, laced with the occasional squash vine; the sky is not grey, but strangely tan. The rain swirls, so thick it is almost opaque. I tie the wide-brimmed hat more tightly around my face, but I doubt it is doing any good. In fact, the top of my head already feels wetter than a drowned rat.

                With a click, my mother opens the car door, and rushes out into the pouring rain. We both run, feeling a little giddy at the expanse around us, all the while feeling the rain pelt in large droplets into our faces. Then we stop to a brief trot, as we near the house that looks decrepit from the outside. The house itself is a faded beige, an earthen tone so artfully blended into the rest of the scenery that I wonder if the same artist has painted both. We see the structure itself from the side door, which is outfitted with a small patio held up by smooth creamy wood that looks almost like bone.

                Entering the house, we see the living room on the left and the kitchen on the right. In the living room is a complete sofa set, except the backs of the sofas are extended upward so that the sitter’s head is properly cushioned. I spy a man looking straight at me from one of the sofa-chairs, so I duck into the kitchen with my mother.

                Three of her friends are there, old and young, all mixing stews of chinese herbal medicine. They welcome her into the steamy kitchen, but I am, for the moment, an outsider. The kitchen is a small one, the main action taking place on the center counter that is situated like an island in the midst of culinary tools, and a window that opens to face the prairie. Rain splatters against the thin glass. I find myself gravitating, almost unconsciously, toward that end of the kitchen, my reflection staring back at me but not obstructing my view of the swirling heaven and earth outside.

                The rain continues to fall. For this moment, at least, I am sheltered.

you've gotta be kidding me...people are still subscribing???

i'm impressed though very impressed!!

alright...update on my life? well, nothing runs my life as well as chem 20 and bs 50...so why don't you ask them?? i swear, yesterday i had a dream about missing class and somehow having to answer to god...except god wasn't sure whether i believed in him so he kept on bugging me over AIM (yes, i swear, i have the most congenial relationship with god...)

hey, rcs girls...we're almost on toooour excitement huh? what fun times...(though i'm still incredibly confused since i had no idea we were going to houston...)

alright, i am mad late for the rcs fundraising thing for dorm crew. that was in my dream as well. heh

2.6.03

dear god, i haven't updated this in four months and people are still subscribing? i'm so impressed...

anyway, perfect time to bring up cool story about last night! i've decided that my life IS worth recording, so here goes...

8 am: got woken up by jordan (grr) for hospital volunteer program orientation

9-1: hospital volunteer program...was i really there for four hours? damn.

1-2: wasted lots of time as usual, eating lunch in annenburg and talking nonstop

2-4: MATH CRUNCH~! man, i'm in trouble...i reek at math and i know it. plus my TF doesn't make any sense when he talks. how does harvard get away with this?

4-6: PBH meeting...one of like 17,000 meetings. i swear, they abuse the resource development chairs like no other...we're the multipurpose grunts...

6-7:30: can't remember, but i think i was working on math, majorly stressing out cuz i had 3 problem sets due...

7:30-8:30: quick run to the gym, where for some reason there were freaking good looking law school girls there! wtf! how come the guys have to be the butt-ugly ones?

8:30-9:30: RUSH home to the dorm, showered, put on makeup and skanky top in a record-breaking 30 minutes, and then, two Skky blues and a smirnoff later, started getting a little impatient in Elijah and Raudel's room...

11:00: we finally started heading out. some old 40 year old white guy on the T asked me to marry him (yes...i'm not kidding) and then left, saying something about "having balls".

11:30: PARTY AT AVALON! i love that club! after dancing with elijah and raudel a little, saw you-know-who out of the corner of my eye (damn him)

12:00: man, he wants to dance with me but doesn't want to admit it. insecure bastard!

12:12: alright, two muscular ROTC guys and a sweaty latino guy later, i'm scanning the scene when who do i see but you-know-who once more (not voldemort, you dorks)

12:14: hahaha. he finally grew the balls to come talk to me. grows a little sketchy with the whole "pretend i can't hear you so i can hold you closer" deal...

12:17: DITCH! i go "hey, gotta go find my roommate" and leave his cold ass there on the dance floor. WOOT~!

12:45: a black guy and two eurotrash looking guys later, italian guy approaches me and starts to neck me from behind...ULTRA SKETCH! anar shakes her head and makes grimaces.

1:00: raudel tells me to go on stage (it's so sweet of him!) so i do...2nd black guy almost presses me off cuz he forgets that i weigh maybe half of what he does then you-know-who spots me up there, dancing, and THE LOOK ON HIS FACE IS PRECIOUS.

1:30: ah! spot yalun and his mower buddies in the crowd...go and say hi.

1:33: wondering where the hell schonmei is...shouldn't she be here?

1:40: go back on the dance floor...you-know-who has been eyeing me for the entire time...MIT grad student hits on me, doesn't offer a drink though...

2:00: italian guy dances with me again! man, he's sketch...anar randomly grabs my hand and pushes me into this cute asian guy's face.

2:15: damn it, asian guy is too un-sketch. doesn't make any moves. i'm disappointed...

2:20: dropped H bomb on asian guy. he just looked at me with a "holy sh*t" look on his face...

2:30: hey dearies, we should leave soon right? yes, it's getting late...will we be able to get a cab?

2:45: it's just like high school! asian guy's buddies are egging him on, telling him to come get my number...by the time he gets the courage to do so, i'm already in the cab (didn't feel like getting out and flagging him down.

3:00 return to harvard. man, what a great night...

3:01: ah! forgot to call schonmei! she got sick...left to mower for awhile and told her the story...

3:30 online chats with random people...

4:00: dear lord...need to wake up at 9 am tomorrow for orgo...what am i going to do...

~*~*~

10.26.02

rcs concert today! this reminds me of high school when we had a bunch of silly dress rehersals before the real thing...today rcs runs my life. 2-4 rehersal, 6:30-7 rehersal, 8 oclock concert, then PARTAY down on pfoho!

didn't get much of a hangover this morning...i think my tolerance is increasing by leaps and bounds.

the morning was filled with grease, by the way. Fall fFeast in the quad was...interesting. things i learned:

1. cuban food is really good. especially those fried beef pocket things. the se deep fried indian curry things are beautiful too. i think i just have a penchant for deep fried food.

2. people tend to apologize for the wrong things.

3. i need to get out more! i feel like a hermit.

4. people walk in the rain too quickly. my pants are soaking wet.

5. why do i walk to the quad then there are such things as shuttles?

on a yummier note, things i ate:

1. 1 tibetan bao zhi

2. 1/3 a dan ta from TCS

3. 1/3 of a vegetarian eggroll

4. small plate of fettuccini

5. 2 fried cuban meat pockets

6. 1 fried platano

7. 1 bite-sized blueberry muffin

8. 1 oily indian curry pocket

9. some chocolate cake

10. a bottle of water

9.15.02

thoughts anybody?

i've signed up for so much crap i can't even really keep in touch with what i've signed up for. college does seem like blobs of free time, however. there's also that pressure to be doing something at all times (otherwise you're either just plain useless, or socially inept).

yesterday was the a capella jam...completely stupendous. i'm waiting to see if i can get into one of those choirs. madrugal music is simply divine...(great, now i sound like a princeton student, as per the sketches at the jam last night).

eeep, time to head off to sever quad for the president's bbq. odd how i complained about the "clutter of my life" in all those college essays, yet when i get here, it is the only way i can think to survive...

9.14.02

went shopping today!! so the re ARE malls in this area. it's great. express is just like express at home...i feel perfectly comfortable shopping there amidst glass walkways and the like.

did they film Minority Report in copley square, i wonder? it certainly seems to be the case. i can just imagine that balloon and umbrella part...too cool.

dang, it feels like i'm writing some cheesy email...